This has not been a good few weeks for me.
On top of family drama, not feeling too healthy, and the overall stress of current events and situations in my life I've felt like I've really hit a wall of failure lately. This week I was pulled aside by my first boss and told that I was really not pulling my weight. I was slow, clumsy, and growing sloppy on the line. I was also told that regardless of my attempts to 'perk up' my depression is starting to show. Even away from work, my boss said that I don't look like myself. I suppose it took someone saying it for me to really face the reality of my mental state and my physical shortcomings. The sad thing is, I honestly thought that I had been improving both with my attitude and my performance at work. I was moved off of lunch shift and put on prep work in the mornings. I lost one of my days off (leaving me with only Sundays off) but my hours remain more or less the same. I do enjoy the prep work a lot more though I do have to get up much earlier to get to work on time. I'm able to do the work without too much discomfort and I'm not in anyone's way. I'm able to listen to my music and keep to myself, so no one can comment on how "down" I seem.
My second job I honestly do love. I work hard and admittedly I save my energy reserves for it so I can perform to my full potential. I'm hoping to get a full time position so I can quit the first job, make a little more money, and start to put money aside. I do tend to smile more there and I do genuinely have a good relationship with everyone. I was shocked on Thursday when one of my co-workers told me that my shift on Saturday had been covered. I hadn't requested any time off, in fact I was needing the hours so I could get a gift for an upcoming birthday. Apparently my depression was showing there as well. He said I looked tired and he was worried about my wrists.
Twice in a week isn't good. I know I need to go in for a second opinion but funds, time, and my options for professionals are limited. It's not an excuse but it makes things very difficult.
On top of that, I've felt very alone as of late. People that normally enjoy being around me are pushing me away or are making themselves scarce. Calls go unanswered and texts go ignored, I can't help but wonder if I've done something or if I've just become unbearable to be around. I know that things have changed in my life so quickly that I feel like the rug's pulled out from under me but I didn't notice any huge changes in my behavior. Maybe I'm clinging to my friends too hard or maybe I just don't have much good news to report and I'm starting to drag everyone down. I don't know. Either way on top of the physical problems my emotions and mind haven't been spared from the bad run of things.
I know God never gives us more than we can handle and everything happens for a reason but... I'm not sure how much more I can actually handle. I'm losing my outlets of emotion in doing art and role playing and I'm too busy to get out of town and just sit in the woods or something. I feel like everything's bottled up and I'm constantly dragging it around on my back. I just feel defeated and alone.
Sorry for the emo rant but it'll explain why I'm not kicking out the art that quickly. I have a few projects in various stages of completion but they're going to take a while to finish. I find I have to work only 2 hours at a time. Doing art...Adoptables?
You can purchase adoptables done by me on this alternate account. My rules and guidelines still apply and the content is very random. Just because...
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."
"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
"What draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it."
C.S. LewisCommissions & Trades I'm waiting on:
Some of these are pretty recent but there are a few that are slowly gathering dust. I'm leaving them up as a reminder to myself (and hopefully the other artists involved).
At this point...these sit here as "Buyer Bewares":
Two character full body lineart from
- My end of the trade is complete as of September 14, 2009
Five Chibis from
- Paid on December 29,2012 | 1/5 received |Latest ParaChiMar Artwork: Legacy of Para group on DA!
and myself decided it's about time we start up a group for ParaChiMar: The Legacy of Para. For those interested this group is pretty much just a good place to dump all of our LoP artwork, trades, commissions, and fanart into. I've also made a small stamp collection to celebrate. Check us out. :3My buddies & Artistic Icons: ClubsReligion & Politics: "Fandoms"
a Role Playing Random